No More Mr. Yes

Lately I have been WAY out of center, and have not spent nearly enough time focusing on what's most important to me, namely people. I've been too "busy" doing other things, that I haven't taken the time I normally do to re-center and re-focus myself, so I've felt WAY out of balance.

I realize much of that is because of my fear of saying no to people. My strongest urge is not to be a pleaser and just say yes. My urge is that I feel like I can share my gifts in many areas, and by saying no I feel like my gifts will be somehow taken away or atrophied from lack of use. So I'm hopeful that by admitting my problem, and being intentional about what I say YES to, that I will be able to do MORE good than I could if I said yes to everything.

Believe it or not, my manager agrees with me, and we came up with this article title while I was in our weekly meeting last week. I'm sure I will have more to write about this topic as I continue to wrestle with this issue.

Photo from Flickr, from 787b.

Have you ever felt like you need to say no more than you are? How did you handle the fear of saying no? I'd love to hear how you overcame this malady. Please share in the comments or by sending me an e-mail. I really want to be more impactful, not less, and I think this is my best course of action.

Thank you, and make it a GREAT day!
Phil Gerbyshak


Technorati Tags: yes man, lifehack

Comments

[Kirsten Harrell, Psy.D.]

Thanks for your honest sharing! I think this is an issue for so many people. I know I have dealt with this issue at times myself. One thing I do is to refrain from answering in the moment - I tell the person that I need to check my schedule (or whatever buys you some time). That way I give myself some time to check in with my intuitive voice to see if it is something that is in my best interest to do.

[Timothy Johnson]

Very relevant comment, Phil. It's something with which many of us struggle. Remind yourself that the QUALITY of your yes's is determined by the QUANTITY of your no's. This simple saying has helped me say no graciously to many great things that just don't fit into my core radar.

[Lora Adrianse]

Hi Phil...
I echo Kirsten's advice. I was going to suggest "Think Pause". In other words, buy yourself some time like Kirsten said. It's as simple as saying something like..."Let me give this a little thought and get back to you."

You'll benefit far more than you'll ever lose.

You can "pass" on something without the need to say the word "NO".

Keep practicing!

[Maria Palma]

I also agree with Kirsten in that I let people know that I need some time to think it over. I meditate on it and see what my "guts" tell me.

I've been a "Yes" woman all my life and I found that it was draining me physically and mentally trying to be a pleaser. I'm learning!

[Deb Call]

Wow, Phil, bravo for your courage in admitting to the fear of saying "no." The fact that you are doing it at a much younger age than I ever did means you'll have that much longer to reap the rewards.

I've learned in the last decade that saying "no" to what I don't want creates space for my future "yeses" to show up.

[Chris Owen]

Oh Phil it's so nice to have someone admitting this little problem out loud. I think I might need to go think about what I would say. Because I too have terrible trouble saying Nno and too often say Yes to things that are not in my best interests and too far in someone else's best interests.
What's driving the fear? That's what I need to think about!
Thanks for the nudge!

[Tim]

Phil:

As a former Improv actor, saying "yes" is one of the fundamental keys to being a successful improvisor. Phil, I am a lot like you--I say yes a lot, sometimes more than I should. I'm a work in progress.

[Buzzoodle Ron]

Idle time, wives and "no" is for when you are 100. I expect to see more posts and get over here and do my laundry.

I know what you are thinking.... don't say it!