Shift Your Thinking About Conflict

Today's guest writer is Tammy Lenski.

Genuine dialogue isn't about talking. Though we tend to think of dialogue as the act of conversing, it's not.

Genuine dialogue is about learning. It's about inviting your curiosity to the table instead of your tongue. It's not possible to talk and learn much at the same time.

The trouble with teaching how to engage genuine dialogue is that most people I run across have limited time, limited resources, and limited patience. You want pragmatism, not philosophy. You want technique, not framework. You want to do, not think about doing.

It's understandable. Reasonable even. And doomed to failure.

It's doomed because technique often fails the test of real dialogue in real conflict situations. Sure, I can teach anyone the best techniques that any top mediator, diplomat or negotiator uses to achieve quality outcomes. And virtually anyone can learn them. But most don't go out and use them responsibly or effectively.

The majority simply apply the new tools as a recipe: I'm in situation X, so I will apply technique Y.  The minority figure out that a tool used in the wrong way or in the wrong circumstance is a useless tool. This minority understand that the way you think about conflict and dialogue influences the success with which you use the tools you've learned to manage it. Read my story, What Everyone Ought to Know About Conflict Management Skills for an illustration of this.

It's also doomed because our time-starved culture is setting you up. "Practical techniques" are often code words for "I don't have time to set a real foundation, so just give me what I can use right away." Sometimes you have to slow down to go fast and my story about the apple cart will show you why.

So for years I've worked to teach people something more powerful than techniques: I've taught people how to think and feel about conflict and dialogue. People who succeed in changing the frame of mind with which they approach their difficult conversations usually find out that they don't need to learn new skills or tips at all...they discover their good skills are accessible to them once they change how they think.

If you want to begin to shift how you think about conflict, I offer the following three phrases for helping you begin the change. Use them in any situation where you want to improve communication, even if there's no overt conflict. Practice in low-stakes situations so you're used to them when things get tough.

I developed the three phrases over the past decade of dialogue-building, coaching and training work. They're a simple first step to begin teaching your mind how to approach conflict effectively, bravely and diplomatically.

The three phrases help stop your mind from doing some of the things people typically do ineffectively early on in a conflict situation: Telling your view... over and over. Demonstrating how right you are...or how wrong they are. Freezing and not knowing what to say. Judging and diagnosing and concluding. Fleeing. Competing to win. Shutting down. Putting your foot in your mouth. Lashing out. Prematurely solving a problem you do not yet understand sufficiently (though you're sure you do).

The three phrases help make your mind to do some things that tend to work very well in conflict situations with people who you must or want to be in continued relationship with, such as family members and co-workers: Listen in the right way.  Learn something that changes your understanding of the situation and makes problem-solving much more effective. Keep your balance. Keep your emotional brain from running amok. Confront conflicts in a way that they're not anxiety producing. Reduce the post-conflict debris.

Don't be fooled by their simplicity. If you commit to using these phrases and experiment with them more than a few times, you'll discover they have tremendous power to change the conversations that matter most to you.

Phrase 1: Tell me more.

"Tell me more" invites the other person to stay in conversation in a non-threatening way. It invites your own curiosity to the table. It conveys genuine interest in their perspective or story. It creates the opportunity for new insight to be shared and heard. It stops you from telling and judging, and reminds your mind and heart that you're trying only to understand at this point, not solve or win.

Cautionary note: You need to listen to their response. If you're not listening to the response, you're techniquing them.

Phrase 2: Help me understand.

Miles Davis is credited with saying, "If you understood everything I said, you'd be me." In conflict, it's tempting to wear your "all-knowing" hat, but it's much more effective to wear your "uncertainty" cap. "Help me understand" conveys that you recognize you don't fully understand yet, that you're interested in doing so, and you're all ears.

Cautionary note: Understanding is not the same as agreeing. Stop worrying that "help me understand" will convey you're agreeing with them. You can decide whether or not you agree after you really understand.

Phrase 3: Why is that?

"Why is that?" focuses your mind on understanding the "why" behind their position, their solution, or their perspective. When you learn the why, you learn powerful information for problem-solving because you learn the underlying interests that are informing the other person's solution. And when you know their interests, and can add your own, you have a powerful way to see solutions that were invisible when you were focused only on winning or on the dubious game of "compromise."

Cautionary note: Tone of voice matters. "Why is that?" asked in a skeptic's or challenger's voice will yield little that's helpful. Asked from an orientation of curiosity, though, this question can yield diamonds in the rough.

[Dr. Tammy Lenski jump-starts genuine dialogue with individuals and organizations nationwide. You can find her blog about dialogue-building and conflict resolution at Jump-Start Genuine Dialogue with Tammy Lenski.]

Comments

[Stephen Hopson]

This was a great article about how to change your thinking. Changing our perception is my favorite subject, one I tend to expound on time and time again. Why? Because of everything you said in today's post. . . we can learn more if we just took a moment to shift our thinking in a slightly different way, which often can lead us to the answers that were lying dormant, waiting to be discovered all that time.

[Tammy Lenski]

Stephen, I'm really drawn to your phrase, "...the answers that were lying dormant, waiting to be discovered." It's a beautiful descriptor of the way that the slight shift in thinking can effect us and the outcome. Thanks for taking the time to comment!

[Rick Cockrum]

This is an excellent description of how to learn in general, Tammy, as well as drawing people out. At work I'm a sometime counselor. But my counseling usually consists of just letting people talk enough until they understand themselves what they're experiencing and what the people in their lives are going through. I would have never been able to put into words how this happened, but you did a pretty darn good job of it. Thank You!

[Nneka]

Here, here Tammy! Technique is secondary to situation. This applies to more than conflict resolution.

Cheers,
Nneka

[Tammy Lenski]

Rick, there's something so powerful about speaking our thoughts out loud, isn't there? I find that as a mediator and conflict coach too. When we actually hear our thoughts spoken, instead of just thinking our thoughts, I think our mind does something different with them. But I'm just guessing at that...you probably know way more about that than I!

Nneka, you're so right...it applies to way more than conflict resolution.

Thanks to you both for your comments. You've given me more food for thought!

[Corinne Edwards]

A much needed article from a great insightful writer.

I agree with the attitude part especially. Tone of voice is part of it but also body language can be defensive. And our thoughts. People can read our minds, you know.

We have to remember that the conflict was caused by someone not feeling loved and valued.

This is where real listening and compassion comes in.

Thanks for an outstanding article.

[Lilja]

Hi Tammy,

You write some interesting posts on your blog.

When someone deliberately create a conflict in order to achieve a hidden goal- then the 3 questions will not work. Even though one partner is really trying to find a solution or dissolve the conflict, the other is determined to create and sustain a conflict. The simple technique will then not work.

I often hear that there need be two to create a war (or conflict). I disagree with this yet accepting that this might be true many times. Just as often it only takes one, though. Think about the Holocaust. I do not believe the Jews would have saved their lives by applying this simple technique when the Nazis gassed them. You'll find the same kind of situation between two persons or organizations etc too, I believe.

Otherwise i agree that on "light" conflicts your technique can come in handy. :-)

[Anthony Russo]

Great article. I am going to remember those 3 magic questions at the end. Very powerful.

A fitting quote from my very wise grandfather:

“God gave you 2 ears and 1 mouth so you would listen twice as much as you talk.”

Anthony Russo
Conferencing Consultant
Great America Networks Conferencing
arusso@ganconference.com
www.ganconference.com
312-432-5377

[Tammy Lenski]

Corinne - Yes, our bodies give us away whether we're conscious of it or not. As you've pointed out so well, that's why "techniquing" someone projects as not genuine. Thanks for raising that up for deeper consideration!

Lilja - I wouldn't suggest that an approach to managing the one-on-one or one-on-a-small-group conflict in our lives would sufficiently address extermination of millions during a holocaust. So you're right that it falls short when compared on that scale.

Anthony - It sounds like your wise grandfather had a powerful and good presence in your life. What lovely memories he leaves you to carry with you for your lifetime!

[Anita Danger]

Great post, it has a lot of good solid information. For some reason it made me think of my Dad, no matter how angry or what the situation was, my Dad always gave comfort. Reading this gave me the realization he did what you have laid out before me. He always listened, never showed any emotion other than the gentle and peaceful person he was, He never gave his point of view, or how it is, or should be, he just listened and usually in one sentence stated a simple truth, that was short, to the point and you just knew everything would be ok and he cared.

[Tammy Lenski]

Wow, Anita, your dad sounds like he had some amazing qualities about him. I bet people really listened to your dad because he listened carefully to them and then offered up a simple thought that conveyed so much. What a good model for us.